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I'm Right and You're Wrong
| Posted on September 9, 2015 at 12:24 PM |
 “I'm right and you're wrong, I'm big and
you're small, and there's nothing you can do about it.” Roald Dahl’s quote survives precisely
because it is a classic from childhood.
As a child, being right is equal to being powerful and being small too
often equates to be being wrong and helpless.
The right/wrong debate is at the heart of the power struggle in most
marriages. “You’re wrong” is the weapon
of choice, prompting the one hearing those words to get defensive and strike
back. To heal conflict one needs to
understand that right and wrong are not the issue. There are no facts to be disputed. There are as many realities as there are
people in a room. In a relationship the
struggle to be right and have your partner wrong is a power play. Why do we engage in such a struggle with
the person we love? It’s what our
parents taught us is the easy answer.
From them we learned that might equals right or right equals might. The more complex answer is that we have not
been taught empathy. A colleague of mine once said: “It’s not that people don’t know how to
communicate, they don’t know how to listen.”
I worked with a couple recently and invited each to talk about the
things that caused tension in the relationship.
The partner kept answering “Oh no, that’s not a problem,” dismissing the
speaker’s concerns. I found myself
repeating, “If it’s a problem for your partner, it’s a problem.” Holding one
another’s perspective is challenging. I
know, as I try to hold two partners’ perspectives besides my own in a therapy
session. We all find it difficult to view the
world from someone else’s perspective.
We don’t take the time to listen as we are busy formulating our
responses. Being only interested in what
we have to add to the conversation. It
is only when we take the right/wrong out of the equation, truly listen and
attempt to see the other’s point of view that the power struggle will cease and
love can flourish. Remove right and
wrong and conflict ceases. Honor the
other person’s perspective and instead of escalating conflict, you will have
safety. And with safety comes passion
and true intimacy. |
Categories: Couples Corner
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10:41 AM on April 25, 2018
Listening is very important to everyone. It is where we have to understand the other side of the story. I agree, as a child, our mindset is that "when you are right, you are powerful" and "when you are small, you are hopeless". But as we get older, we understand what is equality and how to perform it. Inequality and discrimination are out of control which makes other people boastful. Understanding each other's differences are very important and respect the their perspective.
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